Defensive

Written in: May 2021

Something I did not like happened today, and it got me thinking.

Ever since I got stable, I didn’t like to show my vulnerability. I didn’t like being seen weak, or not smart enough. I wanna show the world what I’ve made of.

Does that sound like a narcissist? Wait til you hear about my manic episode.

My manic days were crazy, but awesome. I felt like I’m on top of the world. I could do anything. The world was in my hands.

I felt like I was the most talented person in the room, the only one you should hire among other candidates, the only one who’s innovative. The best.

And I learned, that those were just illusions.

The illusion of being a perfect person.

Experiencing manic episode taught me a lot, though. In a positive way, I learned that I actually can multitask (though not everything is finished 🤣), that I have crazy self confidence (if I want), and that I nail things without proper planning. In a negative way, I learned that I have the ability of being a douchebag, in so many ways.

Today, I am stable. I know I am. But some of my “manic” self, somehow left behind. Or is it maybe just my personality?

I like being defensive. It shows how a human has power and control in life.

I usually don’t defend myself when I’m wrong, I do when I think and know I’m right.

Is it wrong to be defensive?

I don’t know what’s right or wrong anymore. Maybe I was just hurt.

Being less-appreciated sometimes makes me push myself to do better. But sometimes it backfires as let my emotions burst instead.

Boom. There you have it. I’ve shown my weakness, and I really, really hate it.

Being misjudged as someone that I know I’m not, drives me mad.

But in the end, I know I should change, and try to follow how the way things are done here. As much as I disagree.

May 2021,

Asyifa Aprilia