Just when I thought

Written in: January 2020

Just when i thought i had won the fight — over myself — falling after falling after falling⠀⠀

— that i thought i had grown to be a better human being⠀⠀

— that I thought I had been better self-controlling myself.⠀⠀

— that I had set my goals and made a perfect plan for everything⠀⠀

— that I had found my reasons to live again, and promised that i will never let my life’s single second wasted for nothing⠀⠀

— that I thought, I had done enough fighting⠀⠀

— that I thought, I had passed the roughest and the most chaotic points in my life⠀⠀

— that I thought that the war had finished⠀⠀

— that i thought, I had won the fight: by finally finding my true self?⠀⠀

⠀⠀

Turns out: ⠀⠀

1. The fight has just begun. ⠀⠀

2. Who the hell is my “self”?⠀⠀

⠀⠀

🥴👻⠀⠀

O Dear Allah I am so very sorry for being ungrateful and all — and I know it’s been a while — and I know it’s not the end but duh I still can’t accept the fate anyway. ⠀⠀

It is just not easy — to I know that I will always be fighting over and over…⠀⠀

…myselves. 😔⠀⠀

~~~~~ it really is a blessing and a curse at the same time